Guest post by Brittany, The Law School Wife
A year ago I was days away from graduating college and weeks away from marrying a very dreamy guy—a witty, hardworking, smarter-than-anyone-I-know guy, who also/unfortunately happened to be a 0L.
I was pretty much terrified. Terrified of facing the worst job market in decades and crossing my fingers I wouldn’t be uninsured for too long. Terrified of leaving the comfy, cozy world of late night Mexican Martinis and late mornings sleeping through the most boring finance class in the world, and trading it all in for an earlier-than-I-would-ever-schedule-classes commute and conference calls that would put an insomniac to sleep.
But mostly, I was terrified of how law school would change my husband as a person, how it would change us as a couple.
If you or your loved one are a 0L, this might come as a surprise to you, but it shouldn’t shock anyone else: There is no lack of negativity about relationships in law school. I wish I had a quarter (or a bottle of wine) for every time someone told me everyone in their section broke up or got divorced. GEE, THANK YOU for telling a happy newlywed whom you’ve just met that their relationship is doomed. THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
I’ll be honest with you again. I’m something of a worrier. So you might could imagine that my worst-case-scenario personality went into a tailspin after being told repeatedly that the chances of our marriage surviving law school were SLIM TO NONE, even by my husband’s law school, who hosted an orientation event for new law students and their spouses to combat the high rate of divorce among its students, what with the stress, different paths and alleged infidelity among section members.
And so I started blogging. I write about the stupid stuff that I do to keep myself occupied. I write about the murky waters of my departure from the education system after 18 well-structured years and my struggle to find concrete goals and the paths to achieve them in the unstructured world of the careerwoman. And I write about what it’s like to be married to a law student.
Now that my husband and I are about two weeks shy of being one third of the way through, having survived the year that is commonly accepted as the scariest, I am here to tell you that it is was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I might have overreacted a bit, big surprise. I should never have been as worried as I was. And there are a few things we learned along the way, things I wish someone had told me a year ago, instead of rambling off anecdotal evidence of divorce:
- Talk about your expectations, both as the Law Student and as the Law Student’s Spouse. Get on the same page. Who will wash the dishes? Where will the serious studying take place? Make compromises. Readjust as necessary as the semester wears on, but always be honest and COMMUNICATE.
- Agree that law school is not a free pass for your Law Student to not be fully present in your relationship and in your home. Life after graduation will be even busier with more complications: new jobs, new children, billable hour requirements, more financial obligations. If your Law Student doesn’t take the trash out during the seven hours between torts and bar review, they certainly won’t take it out after working 12 hour days at a high-stress job.
- On the flip side, realize that there will be times when the Spouse needs to pick up a little extra slack around the house, ie when a paper is due, finals are coming up, or during the months of hell when your newly minted JD graduate studies around the clock for the bar. But Law Students, if your Spouse has a meltdown 13 days into finals and tells you they need an extra hand, JUST UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER. It takes two minutes away from your outline, but those two minutes will mean the world to your Spouse.
- Law school is an inherently selfish endeavor. Sure, it will benefit the couple as it (hopefully) increases your family’s earning potential, but it demands the Law Student’s undivided attention. It will be the biggest challenge they’ve ever faced, and when they’re not studying, all the work they could be doing will never be far from their thoughts. It’s true what they say: The law is a demanding mistress. It is the Law Student’s responsibility to never lose track of the simple fact that law school is just three years, while a marriage lasts a lifetime. As a couple, you have to keep your eye on the big picture and take the long-term view. NEVER FORGET THIS.
- That being said, it is enormously important for Law Students to have a life outside of law school. Being in a serious relationship sets them up perfectly for this. Get out of the library. Step away from the casebook. Go on a date. Play in a Sunday soccer league. Get out on the lake for some sun and a margarita.
- No really, go on dates. If money is tight, check out Groupon, Restaurants.com and other money-saving websites for deals. And there’s always the trusty fall-back: Hulu or Netflix and a bottle of wine can be just the thing for some quality law-school-free couple time on a shoestring budget.
- Spouses: Have your own life. Your significant other will spend A LOT of time reading, or whatever it is that they do. The work never ends. Your student could study all day everyday if they wanted to (don’t let them!). In the meantime, stay busy yourself. Whether at work or through hobbies, don’t ever let yourself get too bored or be too dependent upon your spouse for entertainment and happiness.
- Cancel cable. I’m dead serious. You will thank yourself (and me) when you realize how much time and money you save.
- Spouses, be prepared to struggle with your part in your Student’s law school career. As your two lives merge and become indelibly intertwined, it is absolutely possible to feel like you are in law school right there with them just a bit yourself. You will learn more about the seedy underbelly of law school than you would ever care to know. You will make sacrifices. You will take on a greater burden to make your loved one’s life easier. You are a decision maker. I struggle with “we” language. “We accepted a job offer.” Well, it was his job offer, so technically he accepted it. But it affects my career. It determines whether or not a couple hundred miles separate us all summer. I feel anxious during finals, though not as much as he does, naturally. It sure feels like a “we,” even if the world might tell you otherwise. You’ve been warned.
- Lastly, know that there is a growing body of evidence that being in a healthy, committed relationship can actually benefit your education and fledgling career. Married students, particularly married men (I know, ladies, it’s not fair), have been found to significantly outperform their unmarried peers, presumably because they have someone with whom to share the burden, someone to pick up the slack and run the house so they can focus on studying and not the dry cleaning that needs to be fetched. They’re more likely to eat well and get enough sleep on a regular schedule, even during periods of great stress. Never neglect your relationship. A happy home life will benefit your academic life, not to mention your overall health and mental well-being.
As we head into my husband’s 2L year, what everyone says will be the most work, I am no longer scared. Life will keep marching on. We’ll adjust as needed. But this time the change isn’t scary. I feel prepared and ready to face the long nights while my husband does whatever it is 2Ls do (with lots of Hulu and blogging).
A few notes:
Every person is different. Every relationship is different. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to surviving law school, relationship intact, so please take my advice for what it’s worth, just one couple’s experience. And not everyone can or wants to get married, I simply blog about what I know.
For the occasional pearl of wisdom, served up with a side of random anecdotes topped with melodramatic sauce and a heaping helping of sarcasm, check Brittany out at The Life of a {Law School} Wife. [Ed.: Brittany has since closed down her blog]
Interested in submitting your own guest post for consideration? Learn more about Lawyerist guest posting.
![Nominate the Best Law Firm Websites (2013 Edition) [UPDATED]](http://lawyerist.com/lawyerist/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-popular-posts/timthumb.php?src=http://lawyerist.com/lawyerist/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/best-law-firm-websites-nominations-2013.jpg&h=90&w=90)
Read the comments below or add one of your own.
Next Comments →
This is some very good advice!
I have two classes until I’m done law school. Went into it married. We had two kids during it. (Worked full-time during it also, but that’s beside the point.)
One thing you touch on but don’t mention explicitly: Law student must prioritize, not just their time, but their goals. Mine were simple: (1) Family, (2) Work (to pay for house and feed family), (3) School.
If you have your priorities straight, everything else falls into place.
Great advice. I met my wife in law school, not only did she help me survive law school, it forced me to balance my life. If you cannot handle a relationship in law school, you definitely cannot handle one after law school.
This is an interesting post. I’m going to be a 1L in the fall and have had concerns about my relationship lasting through it. You gave some great points to discuss before it. I think he will be able to handle it, but who knows? I guess I’ll find out in three years!
Awesome post Brittany. I especially like your points #2, #3, and #4. Well said and very important.
Congrats to you and your husband for making it through!
As a former law student – now lawyer, it is important to realize a couple of other things also. Never use the word – Divorce, in your relationship or in your discussions with anyone else. The word itself has extreme power and can lead you to that point. Have discussions with your spouse about what you want your life to look like after law school. Listen to what your spouse envisions and together get a picture of what you together want out of life.You must plan now for the type of life you want or you will not have it. It is easy for the work ethic that you develop in law school to carry on after you start working at your first firm. Big firms count on it. The long hours – big money – can have a detrimental effect on your relationship, if you have not planned in advance. There is a way to bill the requisite hours of a big law firm and have a good family life but it takes planning and setting priorities. The best time to establish those is now, not when your spouse graduates. If your spouse learns how to budget time now, he will do it later. Planning and envisioning the future together will make it come true, otherwise you let life happen and that can be the worst thing ever. Plan your life together and then work your plan. Happiness will come from thinking about the future now and then believing it will happen. Best wishes to you all. A man with a wife who demanded this and now has a better life because of it.
Just a couple of other things.
1. When your spouse accepts his summer offer and makes crazy money in another city, go with the flow. Ask him to ask the firm if he can have a week off during the summer so he can spend time with you on a vacation. A good firm will grant this and in my case the firm paid for three days of my time off. So I got a paid vacation as a summer associate. You just have to ask and you will be surprised what you get.
2. If you are living in another town and come in for weekends, the firm will make it a point of getting you tickets to the events you want to go to at no charge to you. My wife and I attended a couple of ballets and baseball games in the company box, whenever my wife came to town. I would just tell them when I planned to have her come to town and they would give me first preference on events. It was a bonus that other associates did not get a chance to receive.
3. Your spouse will be so glad to see you it will be like a honeymoon all over again. Enjoy it!!
4. As a summer associate, the law student spouse should ask the firm person in charge of associates, not one of the lawyers, if they know about any place that may hire people in the line of work that non law student prefers to work in. You would be surprised how many contacts can be made this way. Your spouse may actually get an offer before the law student.
5. Never underestimate the value of planning your lives together, your Vision creates Reality. again VISION CREATES REALITY!!!
6. In the last two weeks before the bar and preferably the month before, go home, visit your parents and old friends. Let the student prepare and live by themselves. Demand they study with friends. This will relieve them of the guilt they feel for studying non stop at that time and will take you out of the stress picture.
7. Bar review and exam time is all about them, they will not feel complete until they pass the bar. Getting the degree was a step, but passing the bar is the ultimate release and really what they have been working for. Let them make this all about them, then they cannot complain later that if you hadn’t demanded that they put up those dishes or go with you to some event, that they would have scored higher on the bar or felt more comfortable taking it.
Great post! I’m a medical school student’s wife, and there are a ton of similarities. “We” graduate next year and I can’t on #9 since being married – we are are in this together :)
Ummmmm, yeah, I’m going to disagree with Lindsay’s points about asking your summer clerkship for time off… Do you want to be remembered as “the moochy clerk?” With all the competition for summer clerkships and the fact that there are no longer offers for nearly everyone who performs decently during the summer, you want to appear as hard-working as possible. Clerkships are usually only 6 to 8 weeks – you need to put in enough time with the firm to clearly demonstrate your work ethic, intelligence, and personality. Vacation when you have a job… or on Spring Break or Christmas or in the time you have left after your summer employment comes to an end.
And ASKING for free tickets to events? No. No, no, no. They are paying you (usually commiserate with the salary of a 1st year associate) to WORK and this is your opportunity to prove that you WANT to WORK – this isn’t summer camp, and it’s time to get used to the idea that pretty soon, you will not be a student with summers off. If you are clerking at a firm, several fun social events will usually be planned already (and spouses / significant others are usually included in these events as well), most likely someone will be purchasing your lunch on a daily basis, and tickets to events may be OFFERED. By all means, take advantage of these opportunities (not only are they fun, but they provide an opportunity for your potential future coworkers to get to know you on a more personal level) when they present themselves, but you do not want to form the impression that you are only out for the free swag.
Yes, yes, follow Lindsay’s advice if you want to be That Guy, ya know the one who completely takes advantage of the firm and asks for perks that no one, even the firm’s ACTUAL EMPLOYEES get. If you want to be The Guy who is known not for working hard, but for gladly taking the inch offered and asking for the mile.
In other words, don’t do that. You are there to work and earn an offer for a job, not get lots of free goodies. Also, big law recruiting ain’t what it used to be. It’s not all about throwing money at the clerks, and you don’t earn your job by not effing anything up or avoiding pissing anyone off like it was a few years ago. Perks are seriously cut back for employees and clerks, and you are expected to actually earn your job instead of not lose it.
Maybe, I might not agree with all the points but as a guy on a budget I definitely agree on point 6. Restaurants.com has saved me on plenty of dates. Some girls have thought it a bit tacky but that says enough about them right there. Thanks for the post!
B- BEAUTIFUL post! As my hubby just finished up his 1L year TODAY, I have to say you brilliantly summed up so many of the thoughts that ensued through the year! :) WONDERFUL! I love it. :)
I don’t know what law school the 1L in the article attended, but it vastly exaggerates the demands of 1L year, at least in my experience. Sure, it was a lot more challenging than undergrad, and I spent more time studying than I did in the past, but there is NO WAY I could spend all day studying, even if I wanted to. That’s completely absurd.
That’s not to say that my relationship with my fiancee did not suffer somewhat, when I had to study for finals and spend less time with her, but nothing even close to what is described here.
You’re lucky, in that you went into this with your eyes wide open. Most of the divorces I saw when I was in law school were of couples who had been married a while, and were used to the way their lives were. Law school is very different from everything else, and if you don’t consistently view it as a temporary situation, there will be problems. You sound like you’ve addressed this.
I, too, got married at the beginning of law school. We had been living together a while, and my spouse used the time to be heavily involved in a hobby group. I also made sure that I had a study schedule, and scheduled time off. I can’t overemphasize how important that last point is: scheduled time off.
A few things you might NOT be aware of –
1. Studying for the bar exam is especially stressful, and will test both of you. It’s also temporary. Just concentrate on passing, so you never have to go through the experience again.
2. Your spouse will be a vegetable for about 2 weeks after taking the bar. Plan a low-brain activity vacation, like a week at a lake house or the beach, or just disconnecting the phone and going for daily bike rides.
3. It will then take about a year for your spouse to get their life back in order. I myself faced several years’ worth of stuff in my office, everything from mail-order catalogs, to notes on interesting books to read, etc. My entire life had been on hold, even my personality, it seemed.
4. You will then face the experience of working in the legal field. That’s too big a topic to go into here.
I started law school married, and have made it through law school married. There were some times it was trying but that’s true of any marriage. If you commit to making it through you will make it. End of story.
Dan, my husband does not spend all day studying. He does regular stuff, watches basketball, goes for a run, goes out to eat. He does a good job at treating law school like a FT job, and spends a lot of time on the evenings/weekends doing regular non-work activities. But it is hard for him to turn off the list of things he has to do in his head during unstructured time, which I guess for him feels kind of “wasted,” which is why even when he’s watching TV, his books are never far away, even if just for commercial breaks. My point is that there is always more any given student *could* be doing, if they wanted to. Thankfully, my husband doesnt’ want to! But I know more than a few students, at my husband’s school and at several other campuses, who spend literally all day on campus, either in class or at a scheduled event, and then at the library through the evenings. That’s pretty extreme, but it happens. If not to me, then to other law school spouses.
For all of you who disagree with my posts, you have to understand a couple of things. 1. I did not ask for things that the firm was not giving others. I merely told the person handling associates that my wife was coming to town on certain dates and I would like to participate on those dates and for that reason I was given those things during the time she was visiting.
2. At the firm I was at, and received an offer of employment from, the firm offered tickets to certain events throughout the summer, I asked for tickets to those events during the time my wife was in town.
3. Asking for things related to your spouse are not a no-no, if you are asking for a reasonable accommodation.
4. If your firm does not send associates to concerts, or other events then don’t ask, but most firms do send associates to these things or did when I was in school. I checked with the hiring coordinator at my old firm and they still do the things I discussed. I am now in-house and we have no summer associates at all.
5. I asked if I could have a week off to spend with my wife and the firm agreed. I did this at the time I accepted the offer for summer employment.
6. If you don’t ask what are the parameters, you will never know what they are.
7. Because I took the time to ask about things, worked hard and spent time with partners at events, I was invited to a couple of parties that were limited to 3 or 4 associates out of a group of 35.
8. I was always in the office at 7:00 to 7:30 am and left after 9:00 pm.
9. You need to know your organization, and the only way you do that is by asking questions and getting involved. Learn about a partners likes and dislikes, go to the jazz clubs they go to.
10. It is not all about work, it is about getting to know the firm and the partners to determine your fit, and the things I suggested tell you a lot about the firm. I have been out 10 years now, and my old firm continues to grow and still follows the same rules.
11. And as to ACTUAL EMPLOYEES, my firm got tickets to a concert (set up a vip tent) and provided transportation because an actual employee mentioned that he and several other employees were taking summer associates to a concert, the firm then ponied up and made it an event for everyone. This was done with less than 10 days notice. I guess some firms are just better than others or some employees are more in tune with what the firm will or won’t do. And by the way the employees who started this are all partners at the firm currently.
Maybe my experience was not the same as others, but I had no stigma, got the job, and got to be in on a lot of stuff from the beginning that other associates did not. So to the naysayers i say, I speak from experience and you speak from ____.
Lindsay- While your actions might have been (and sound like the were) fairly acceptable in your firm’s culture at the time, times have changed. The behavior you describe sound selfish and entitled – in today’s cut-throat competition for fewer jobs, singling yourself out as someone seeking “reasonable accomodations” (which, by the way, as a summer associate, they needn’t accomodate you at all- they are paying you to do work, end of story) is just that- singling yourself out, and it isn’t because you didn’t leave until after 9:00 every night. Firms are cutting back on the “summer perks” more and more, and I think it is highly improper to try and get the firm to pony up for your spouse’s evening as well. My advice to ALL summer associates is that unless an invitation specifically includes significant others, do yourself a favor and attend solo or not at all. Unless of course you want to be That Guy.
Brittany~
You were me 5 years, 2 children and 1 bar exam ago. We got married. We celebrated our first anniversary by my husband being accepted to law school the same day we found out I was pregnant. (The pregnancy was a surprise–I had been told I couldn’t have children.) I soooo remember the “initiation” for spouses where it was suggested that I might not be there at graduation. Being newly married myself, I laughed. However, one presenter said something that I will NEVER forget. He said, “The skills that make a good attorney are the opposite of the skills necessary to be a good husband. For example, creating a good argument–attorneys are in it to WIN it etc.” This comment was HELPFUL. I wish I remember who he was…I would send him a thank you card.
The first year, in my not-the-student mind was all about learning a language. Being introduced to the law, writing briefs and learning the language of “legalese”. Don’t laugh, when your husband uses a “legalese” word during a “discussion” with you, you will know he is fluent. The second and third year was all about getting DEEP into what an attorney really does. For me, that was where the comment about in it to WIN it came in.
For this reason, I think the second and third years were more challenging. However, we had to content with a sick child (baby #1 had SERIOUS health issue), I was the sole source of family finances (I ended up starting my own company), oh, and law school. I bring this up to say, you are wise. You are wise to take a look at different pitfalls that might arise. You are wise to be continually looking at what is coming next.
During the second/third year my law-school-student took an extremely demanding job that took him away from home. We STILL managed to have another child.
The last year was all about getting done. Ahhh…but then *drum roll* the Bar Exam. Basically just know that he will NOT be around for 2 months before it. However, I just kept telling myself that I would rather have him study hard once than twice. HE PASSED. Now he is looking for a job in the worst economy ever. We have been through fire and this…this too will be added to the “law school memories” at some point.
But, yes, we do exist. Marriages that made it through law school. We might have some houses to tear down like what the Moosh in Indy says, but we exist and are looking to the future. A future with NO LAW SCHOOL! Just lots of Associate hours…
Brittany,
Where were you 3 years ago when I had a miserable 1L on my hands!? :) I am reading this now in my free time (where I’d most likely be stalking friends on Facebook otherwise) as the wife of a newly graduated JD who has been studying for the Bar Exam since the middle of May. I am 8 months pregnant (due September) and completely overwhelmed by all that this summer has to offer. It’s really hard to keep all the “not fair! ‘s” from falling out of my mouth as I’m doing dishes, laundry, picking up socks off of the floor, visiting friends and family by myself, going to dr’s appts. by myself, etc.
I think if I have any one piece of advice it would be to not take anything personally–not during those awful final exam periods, not during times when you can barely afford groceries, and not during that summer of the bar exam. I keep looking for the light at the end of this tunnel and I remember that my “pumpkin” will turn back into a prince at the end. I can’t take his grumpiness, his apathy, or his sloppy behavior personally.
Thanks for this post–it made me feel validated for the first time in a long time as a “law school widow.”
I think it is very important that people realize life after law school is different, but not night and day different. Practicing law is certainly different from law school, and in many ways, much more stressful.
If your significant other handles stress during law school by withdrawing, making excuses, and otherwise being absentee, that is setting a very bad precedent for what will happen after law school.
Next Comments →